Where's My Bailout?

So, you've made a few bad decisions. You got in too deep with a mortgage that you can't possibly pay. Maybe the rate reset, maybe you just leveraged yourself beyond your means. Have no fear, the government is here. Various assistance programs or "bailouts" are being made available using taxpayer money to help you out of your mistake.

But where's my bailout? Where is the government to make me whole for my bad decisions? By that, I mean my bad bets. Don't I deserve a subsidy because I can't help myself but bet on any Malibu Moon nag out there? And the media makes all of those former Kentucky Derby contenders look so appealing. How can I not bet them in a "non-winners of two other than" event on a Tuesday? You all have your causes that you bet too, even when you know they are just a horrible ideas. I think the government should put together a program for us too! Let me know what your causes are and we can petition our Congresspeople.